And so life presents the ultimate irony,
the magistral lesson and the humbling thunder of understanding
than can only come from being so vulnerable
there is no more strenght to activate old patterns and mechanisms.
I found myself asking,
can you see me?
knowing that for 36 years I have been a narrative,
a story of someone that does not exist.
and with the still open seam in my heart
I sank into loneliness of having lost what I never had.
bending time, I felt that love. Again.
remembering it has been the one time the world made sense
and I felt part of it.
I am vanishing again into the same understanding and
compromise that made me a corner when I was small enough
to create a shelter under a chair.
somehow the understanding of this does not hurt less.
somehow, now the emptiness is deeper,
since my heart knows exactly who to call for.
it is the beauty of irony
and the fear that still rules over me
I remember, you.
The words resonate within me
so I don’t get lost in self delusion.
but I get lost,