I feel like anybody who is against the building of an Islamic cultural center near Ground Zero isn’t contesting that they’re being intolerant, rather they’re arguing (however spuriously) that they’re being justifiably intolerant. It reminds me of another specious debate, “is waterboarding…
Its funny how lately I have been sitting down in the audience chair of my life. I guess you’d call it a life crisis, but I am just outside of it all.
I started this blog because I wonder, a lot. and it is true, I am constantly writing this blog in my head, although seldom I sit down and make it into written words.
I get affected by situations like everybody else, but lately I am able to step back and look at it from the “outside”. Now, I am not sure if this is a good thing yet. It does not make me feel better nor it makes the situation go away. But my rational conscious mind is taking me to a whole new level of perspective.
I am looking for a job. I get myself completely focus on the task, I prepare for interviews and browse through offers and even try on clothing that will make a great impression. Then I am in the actual interview and suddenly a monologue starts in my head:
"Why were you so nervous? This is only another human being looking for help, searching for someone to be part of his/her team… Team, what a curious term, you are never really a team when you work in an office because the common goal is not the benefit of the company but individual benefit with the less amount of stress and personal sacrifice possible (I am generalizing). Hmm, I wonder If I should have read more about this company first. Do I really want to work here at all? I could do other things and fulfill something I have yet to discover. Maybe I wont be good here. Of course I can do the job, but do I have the passion? Money, right, must not forget, Money is the reason I am here. If I make more money I can live better and therefore maybe do something great with my life. Or just live a simple life enjoying ever moment.. Well, I could do that too If I had the extra money, I could enjoy every little moment. I think. Maybe when you have too much money the actual perspective is lot. I wonder…"
This is real. I wish I was making this up. But I am not, this goes through my hear with the speed of light and I can actually continue the interview, I can listen to my potentially new boss and still think this.
And if you read it, truth is I am sabotaging myself. I am thinking back and forth about my worth, about where I think I should be doing and my goals. Great.
This is just an example. I feel out of my body most of the times. My head has become the ever present voice over of my life. Just like a trailer for a movie sometimes.
I am getting comfortable here with my thoughts. And I wish I could transmit them to people in the flesh. Sometimes I would like to tell this to people I know. But I also know that most people don’t care enough. They have their own problems and their own voice over.